Want the world to know, got to let it show...

So a while back I promised you my coming out story ..... so here it is.

You recall that Aron and I had been ... well lets leave it as we just had been. And then one day i was sat at work and he was all excited and jibbering about making new gay friends at work, who were not only in relationships but actually out .... it was unheard of, shocking behaviour. And a little exciting too.

He had started a new job in the warehouse at the local Debenhams dept store in Luton and by all accounts it was a case of spot the straight man. Poofs every where you turned, all kind of inbred (this happens, ask anyone) and they all went out together on a Sunday night on the coach trip to Riviera Lights in Bedford (it was about £2 for coach and entry, pick up at Shirley's Temple in Luton at 10.30). Aron had been the night before and was liberated. He was telling me it was packed with hot guys or all shapes and sizes .... and the music was good and it was amazing to just chill and not worry about looking over at the wrong person and them guessing correctly you were eyeing them up and beating the living shit out of you. You could relax and be you.

i was sat at my desk shaking with fear..... what if somebody could hear what he was saying? They couldn't, we didn't have that kind of phone system ..... what if Jane or Shaun could actually read my mind and hear his every word as I processed it? This conversation needed to be over and fast. I quickly ended it and said Id meet him that night to chat.

My mind was reeling with all kinds of questions...... what if went along and somebody saw me ... would this mean my sex on tap was now over as he would go and find a life? Was I jealous ... no ... but what did this mean? If he came out, would I have to cut all ties with him for fear of somebody figuring out what had been going on all these years? It was hateful.

We met up and for once ... just chatted ..... he said that its silly to wonder what people will say as bottom line, if they are in the club too, they are either ok with it or gay themselves. i wasn't so sure. But he convinced me to go along the next time they were all going out, which was a Sunday night with a bank holiday Monday the following day. I was more comfortable with this as it wasn't a 'school night'.

I said that I would pick him up and drive over as I didn't want to be seen going into the gay bar in Luton and then getting on the coach with all the other gay guys. So I picked him up in my little Skoda (don't laugh, David Tennant drives a Skoda you know) and off we went.

I cant describe the fear and sickness I felt walking into that club the first time. I guess for those of you with abject fear of hospitals, needles, dentists ..... its comparable.

And then the sights I saw! Drag queens, transsexuals ...... Guys with no shirts on and leather trousers .......... I LOVED IT! I nervously bought a diet coke at the bar and stood to one side. Aron was very good and introduced me to all of his mates from work ..... and then their mates from the pub ..... and that was when Gerry asked me if I danced. Do I dance? Does squirrel shit smell of nuts? He took me by the hand and lead me to the dance floor as RuPaul's Supermodel began to play. I hit that dance floor and stayed there all night. There also began my lifelong relationship with RuPaul. Still a fan to this day.

After this, any fear left me.

The following night, I even went straight down to Shirley's Temple and met a few of the guys there. And then at least once a week, I made excuses to my straight friends and snuck out to one of the gay bars in the area.

At the time, i was living with my grandparents and about to move back in with my mum as I was leaving work in August and going back to full time education. And just shy of a month of my first outing, I actually got picked up for the first time.

Now don't get me wrong, there had been offers but I wasn't quite ready for that first off. So one Friday, over in the Barley Mow in Bedford, while a Bananarama medley played out from the DJ, a guy at the bar asked if he could buy me a drink. He was older than me, but quite handsome, so I said yes. We chatted, we swapped numbers, he called the following day, we met up again on Monday and I had my first new male sexual partner and within the same night, my first boyfriend. His name was Lawrence and it lasted a year ... largely as he was a lovely guy but so hung up on me not being stolen away from him, he didn't let me see anyone else. Literally. Not even my friends if they asked us out to the cinema or anything. So I ended it. But that's not the story i am telling here .....

I had been seeing him for about three weeks when I realised that if he was going to be a regular fixture, then friends needed to be told. And of course Mother.

Alex was first. And he just laughed and said that he had known for a long time now but wondered if I would ever actually act on it. I was so relieved I cried all the way back from Hitchin. The rest of my close friends quickly found out .... only poor William had a hard time with the news.

Then Mum. I couldn't lie to her and live under her roof. Had I not had a boyfriend, I think I would gladly have carried on just not telling her. She was never going to take it badly, she had had gay friends my whole life and various other things about the way she lived her life meant she was in no position to judge (no, those stories I wont be telling as they are more her life than mine and its not fair on her to do that). We sat at the table and I told her. "Of course you are, Goat (which was her nickname for me at the time. I know not why) now eat your dinner before it gets cold and we can talk after" was the unlikely reply. After dinner, she grilled me not so much on why but how sure was I. Did I know what a hard life I was letting myself in for? Was I prepared that some people would be unkind to me and had I considered the effect that would have not just on me but people who cared about me.
I hadn't. This was a spanner in the works.
But after a few seconds deliberation, I confirmed that Id be unhappier living as something I'm not and being untruthful. Id seen the pain of split families and divorce time and time again and couldn't risk causing it for any others. That was it discussion over .. apart from one comment.
What is your father going to say?
I will tell him. That was my only thought on the subject.

He called me the next day.
You're a fucking poof then.
Yes dad. Mum told you?
Yes. Well, its your life. Enjoy it. But its a mistake and you ll grow out of it.

And so began five years of strained conversations. I cant remember when it all changed. But somewhere along the line he mellowed and I stopped scowling every time he opened his mouth.

Of course, the greatest part of this was Alex's birthday party that year.

Nobody at the party knew Lawrence was my bf. Until as the party reached its height, he was drunk and threw a punch at a mate of mine who he thought was chatting me up. I dragged him out of the house by the collar and screamed at him all the He couldn't even remember it in the morning ..... but I was certainly the talk of our whole social scene (there were in the region of 40 people crammed into Alex's mums house that night). And that was my big coming out to the public. In the middle of a fight between my actual bf and my mate Gary, whom I had had a crush on for three years who turned out to be straight and now lives in Australia.

So whats your story?

Identity Crisis

Unlimited
The damage is unlimited
To everyone I've tried to help
Or tried to love
And, oh, you're the latest
Victim of my greatest achievement
In a long career of distress
Every time I could, I tried making good
And what I made was a mess!
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deedGoes unpunished!
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why
No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well - Well, look at what well-meant did:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let all be agreedI'm wicked through and through
Since I can not succeed, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again

Ever feel like this?

To have any man but to love only one
To wake with the moon and sleep with the sun
To be a sinner a saint, a lover and friend
To know a beginning but never an end
To fly in the ocean, swim in the skys
Believer in truth, defendant of lies
To be of purest love, the deepest pain
To be lost and found again and again and again
These are the dreams of an impossible princess
To know the power of wealth and poverty
To taste every moment and try everything
To be hailed as a hero, branded a fool
Believe in the sacred and break every rule
To give into pleasure with no boundaries
Living in chaos and harmony
To feel the touch of a man's caress
To know the limits of torture and tenderness
These are the dreams of an impossible princess

It's a way of dealing with all the feeling
Keep believing in dreams

Coincidentally.

Life has patterns.

Now, I don't intend to get too deep and meaningful on the inner working of the universe, but don't you find coincidence happens just too often for coincidence to actually be a coincidence at all?

The main things I have noticed in life and more so of late are these:

There are three things that constantly come back in my life. Quite randomly.
Peter Pan
Narnia
The Wizard of Oz

Now, one could argue that these are very popular franchises in our culture and are bound to be everywhere.
And this would be true.

But lets just follow one thread for a second. I'll keep this as simple as possible.

Summer show 1997 I was Smee in Peter Pan. Summer Show 1998 I was Prof plastic covered in red glitter will not guarantee engine performance but its a cute gimmick, ok). This lead to me calling in to a radio phone in about lucky charms as I thought mine was quite a good one. That was the first time I spoke to Rach/Roo. She then remembered me a whole six months later when we finally got meet up. After we had been mates for a while, Rach had to change stations and was asked to also change her name as they already had a Rachel there .... and she couldn't even be new Rachel as the current Rachel was called Rachel New! So they asked for something to rhyme with crew ...... and she ended up with Ruby - Ru for short, which eventually became Roo as she is today. Since then, Ruby Slippers continually crop up in her life.
During Big Brother 4, I had a mission to get to every single eviction (I succeeded too) and so that you could always find me in the crowd, I wore a very bright green shirt. The second week I arrived in the queue, one of the girls I had been chatting to the previous week just announced to the crowd 'Peter Pan is here'. A name that had been applied to me on and off for years. It stuck and she still calls me Peter to this day! It then became one of my focuses for mine and Marks holiday to Disneyland Paris in 2004. His relative 'thing' is Alice in Wonderland ..... keep an eye on that and see how often those two come up together and not just in Disney. You'll be amazed.
Now, while in America last November, I bought myself the novel Wicked. I had heard of the show, hadn't realised it was a book about ten years before! Now, although Mark knows about me and my liking for all things Oz, he was with me in my big Evita phase .... so if I had been guessing he was getting me show tickets for Christmas, I would have thought he would have got those. Or Avenue Q as I was banging on about it a lot in December. Yes, i was also saying i wanted to see Wicked .... but from Marks perspective, it wasn't the obvious choice...... then, totally independently Rach then bought me The Grimmerie for Christmas - the big hard back guide to the making of Wicked.

Its all a bit random i guess ... but they are three things that just come back into my life time and time again.

The blog name really should give it away.

Show us your Captain, Jack!

Yes... that was the immortal line I bellowed across a silent auditorium at John Barrowman in Jack and the Beanstalk at the panto at the New Theatre, Cardiff on Saturday night. Needless to say he gave me a bit of a look back. I was also the only person who called out when he asked what had happened to the Princess .... at least that time there was supposed to be a response..... I also bought a signed Captain Jack figure and a mini sonic screwdriver torch.

The show was BRILLIANT! Just the right balance of fun and adventure for the kids and knowing winks at sauciness for the mums and dads. Plus of course, because of John, it is littered with Doctor Who and Torchwood references. Several times the ad libs caused the actors to lose the plot, exactly as a good panto should. Its only on for another week, but if you can get to Cardiff, I highly recommend this, even if just to see Dame Trot shopping at an actual Boots store on Queen Street, Cardiff, live on stage!

1987 onwards

So I remember it was a Thursday night. My mum and her husband (third husband, I stress) where at the pub as John played pool in the local tournament. Not that they needed that as en excuse to go to the pub, they went most nights. despite the fact that John couldn't hold down a job and mum wasn't working and there were three of us kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs to feed ... before we even start on bills. This is the same period in my mothers life where she sold my entire Star Wars collection for just £15 so she could go to the pub. But to give that weight, let me explain entire collection. Every figure, vehicle and playset from the first ones released in late '77 right through to the Ewok village released in Autumn 85. Have a look exactly how much merchandise that is, and what it was worth then. let alone what it would mean financially and emotionally to me if I still owned it now. The ewok village was only a month old, when it went. And the whole lot .... did you go add up the amount .... all was sold for just £15 so she could spend a night down the pub. But I bear no malice .. thanks to a large amount of therapy. But back to the story......

I was babysitting James and Elly (who were um ..... 7 & 5 at the time) and they were long in bed and asleep. Aron had dropped by knowing I would be in. The increasing awkward sexual nature of time alone had meant that i had been avoiding him somewhat as part of me knew that if it came down to actual willy business, I would be too curious and (in my opinion at the time) weak to say no. But he had me trapped like a cornered rat .... well, maybe not quite that harsh!

The conversation, as it always did, steered around to sexuality and did either of really believe we were 100% straight. I remember trying to avoid answering by deflecting into speculation about other guys at school and if they were gay, straight, bi, had or had not had any experience.... and that was when the shocker came. Aron told me that for the whole of the fifth year ..... actually, I need to explain something else first.

In the last year of school, we didn't have to take part in games (pe, phys ed, or whatever your culture calls it ... sports n shit). We could (and it was really only offered to the girls) either go assist with reading at infant schools and nurseries or go to a home for the elderly or special needs and help with home care. I chose to go back to school and teach kids. (i am getting deja vu here ... did I post this stuff already? Oh well, here it is again anyway). Aron, being the sporty type he is, did badminton and had to go off site to the local rec to do so. So, being the oldest and most responsible kids in school, we were all allowed off site from about midday to make our way to wherever we spent a Thursday afternoon. So while I and the girls headed off to William Austin infants, Aron and a few other guys went off to the rec. And while I stopped off at the chip shop fro chips, cherry coke and a saveloy, Aron and cohorts were stopping off in wardown park to suck on an entirely different type of sausage. The names he reeled off as having had in the last 9 months astounded me. One of them has since come out, so may have been true. Another is now married, living in another country (Pete, if you ever come across a Lutonian out there .... raise an eyebrow on my behalf) but I reckon may have tried it .. the rest I think he was making up to big up the story. But then came the crunch. And the peer pressure.

He offered me a blow job.

I was three weeks ish from my 16th birthday. I was curious. i was terrified. I didn't want to be gay. Could I say yes and just put it down to experimenting? Would people accept me better i I was bisexual? Would he let me come in his mouth as my dad had always said that when my first time arrived, to lie and say I wouldn't and then do it anyway as its better. Granted, he expected it to be with a girl when he told me that. Back in those days, phrases I use now to justify my actions like 'what would Dame Julie do?' just weren't around. So I did the only thing a pent up 15 year old lad can. Whopped it out for him.

It must have lasted ... ooh ..... at least a minute. I can remember thinking the top of my head was going to actually implode. My knees gave out and I collapsed over his shoulder, fireman lift stylee. And then he asked me to return the favour and I got really scared. I mean, anyone can get their cock sucked and if you close your eyes, its suddenly whoever you need it to be (trust me, I have pulled so many 'straight' guys with that line its not even funny) ... but being on the other end ... that made me queer. So I did it anyway just to find out.

And thus began 7 years of secret meetings, almost being caught out on many occasions, staying over whenever each of our families went away leaving us home alone. Trips away to see old friends who had left the area, midnight rendezvous' on golf courses, in the woods etc. But let me make one thing clear. This was never a relationship. There was no body contact outside of sex. There was no emotion involved. No kissing. We were not boyfriends. We were barely even ordinary friends at times. There was, however, competition.

When I finally got around to having a serious girlfriend, after faffing about for many years with snogging n shit, and it became a sexual thing (after one barbecue when i got a bit tipsy and horny. I was 18 and would have shagged a hedgehog that night if it had offered. Not that I mean to put the poor girl down, she was lovely and madly in love with me. I was just in that awkward cunt stage I mentioned before - you know, when I totally flicked Adam out of my life), suddenly Aron also had a woman he was shagging. His bosses wife. I never did and still don't believe this to be true. But since I had, he had to............. and vice versa. When he once told me about some girl he had had a mis guided grope with in a club, I then went out to the first girl who I knew already fancied me and made sure we got down and dirty too (not full shagging but there was mouth/genital contact on both sides) .

Then in May of 1993 (what is it with May???) Aron called me at work one day. Now, not only was this rare, but it always made me on edge as I didn't wish to give anything away. We only called each other on a booty call (again, not a phrase we used back then). But his reason for calling was quite different this time. He had finally been to a gay bar. I was stunned.

You see, from May 87 to May 93, there had only been each other, as far as men go. We had never ever set foot in a gay bar of club, never told anyone else. Why would we? We constantly had each other at our disposal. What would we need other men for? Plus, there was a lot of press about HIV and AIDS back then and little education. We were terrified and by only seeing each other, we stayed safe. No other diseases ever came to mind. Its just how things were for us back then.

But I am getting close to my coming out story. I feel that needs its own entry on here, don't you?

1984

Its OK, I don't think Big Brother is watching right now. He's a bit busy with claims of racial abuse.

So anyway, as promised, ramblings of my confused high school/teenage life. As inspired by Bsabas and I also promised him a return tale for the epic that is his Robert R story (which if you haven't read, nip up to the links and go read. Its a corker).

Sadly mine wont be as exciting. I had no failed romances with other confused boys. Just animal monkey lust with a guy I cared for only as a long standing friend.

And I find it hard to pin point the moment it all began.

Aron was cousin to the kids who lived a few doors up from me, so we had met first around my 7th birthday. A few months later, we were all at the same primary school together. They had all been in infants together too, but I had moved across town and my nan had decided that it was easier to change school with a new school year and the move up to juniors. So, I already knew Joe and Aron who were in my year, Joes older brother Tom, who was two years above us and that some kid called Alex, whose house I had been to his dad was my step dads boss, but it was late and Alex was already in bed so we didn't get to meet. It had already been a tough few months for me ....... in the previous year (which is a bloody long time when you are only 7) I had moved out of dads house as one of his girlfriends wasn't treating me too kindly and I had gone from being a bright and breezy child to not speaking at all and had developed a very nervous disposition, lived in nan and grandads rented house for about 6 months, then moved in to nan and grandads new house, Star Wars happened, mum announced she was marrying Alan ... you can see why I was terrified to suddenly now be at school in a class with none of the few kids I thought were going to be there.....

Of course, kids being what kids are, I got over that ... ooh ... by about playtime ..... and had realised that this Alex kid was in my class so sat next to him .... and that began a friendship that is still going strong (I was his best man a few years back and he and Karen have their second bab on the way as we speak). But as per usual, I digress.......

Aron and I became mates...... not close mates.... he liked football and judo ... I liked tv and Star Wars figures. But we both shared a love for clowning around and pop music. We would make radio plays from famous five books, go to each others house for tea regularly (but only once our mothers had exchanges written notes giving express permission to host or attend. You didn't just turn up or anything, hell no. It was planned well in advance and my mum always made lumpy mash). As junior school became high school, Aron very physically began to change ...and I didn't. We began to play different games .... games where you would have to imagine two 'buttons' somewhere about your person and the other had to poke and prod you to find the on button .... at which point the alarm would go off, meaning that the person being jabbed would wail or as it eventually became after a viewing of Bugsy Malone, repeat 'Tallulah' at the top of your voice. The otter person then had to find the off button as quick as possible. As 11 & 12, became 12 & 13, those buttons ended up some very personal places. And said body contact invoked reactions .. more from Aron than me at first as like I said, he grew up way quicker than I.

It was around this time that I realised what a great asset access to my dads porn was. To be honest, I had been exposed to it from a very young age as it was a main source of income to my family and it was just as blase as Emmerdale Farm or Crown Court to me. And again, I wasn't at an age where my body was reacting to such stuff yet. It just gave me a fuzzy feeling in my balls that I didn't understand, maybe I was gonna pee soon or something. Anyhoo, the guys at school found this VERY cool that I could, when I knew dad was out of teh country (frequently) , let us in, dish out some very hardcore books, and let the chaps read. I'd usually flick at a few pictures, get bored and go make soup or something. But after walking past the bathroom door one time, I noticed Aron was standing in front of the loo, trousers around ankles .. and to my abject horror/first pique of curiosity ... he was playing with himself while reading .... and then he came. Everywhere. I had never seen it happen outside of a film before ..... I was nervous, excited, appalled and a bit sick all at once..... I stopped inviting the boys round for porn sessions after that. But Aron kept asking.

It was always suspected at school that Aron was gay. But nobody ever gave him shot about it. Possibly because he was one of the biggest and strongest lads of our year - a real gentle giant though as he rarely said a word. Well, there was the one time in juniors that some girls were winding him up and he totally spacked out and started throwing desks around .... totalled an entire classroom aged 9. He never had to lift a finger after that, the reputation just followed him .... don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.....

So by the summer of 86, we are about to head into our final year at school, Aron works in the newsagents where I have my morning paper round and that summer we spent a lot of time together. Largely because we both get on well with my mum and have a scream all day watching daytime tv .. which was a relatively new concept in the UK then. It had just been schools programmes from 9.00 - midday prior to this. This also involved lazy summer afternoons, lounging around in my room or his, listening to True Blue, and any body contact got us both hard as nails. Even if accidental and through many layers .... but we both noticed and neither commented. I remember the odd occasion where my hand or his would slip and rub against offending attentive genitalia .... through thick jeans ........ and would remain there for a few seconds longer than was comfortable ... and again nothing was said. And that was pretty much how things remained between us until May 1987. The week after I left school. The night my entire life changed forever.

And I shall tell you about it tomorrow.

Snot & Mucus

There. That about sums up my life since I saw you last. By saw you last, clearly I just mean wrote here for you. Friday I coughed a lot all afternoon at work, Saturday I couldn't raise from my bed until well into the evening, Sunday was much the same. Monday.... got up with every intention of getting to work but realised I was pushing myself too far and really should get better before spreading germs or making myself worse.

This might turn into a few posts from here as I have a few tales to tell, inspired by Bsabas' writings in the last week.

But first off the mark, is a small tale from yesterday afternoon for you.

Now, its common knowledge that:
A) Gaydar is a great website for making friends and I check in daily to chat with some people across the UK who I met on there. By met, that varies from people I only know online right through to people I know intimately.
B) Its a bit of a meat market and is great for so called straight guys to get some on the side when the mrs is out.
C) I am a total tart
So it shouldn't have been quite the shock it was yesterday at about 3.00pm when my mobile rang and some guy I have vaguely chatted to a few times (and clearly given my rough address to and my mobile number) said he was by my front door and was I up for a shag? I had to politely advise that as I was a ball of mucus and had a bit of a fever, its wasn't really a good time for me but he was welcome to come in and watch me hack up my right lung over a lemon tea. He came in, we chatted, he asked if I had porn (which of course I do, like duh!), he watched some, he jerked himself off while I sniffled on teh other sofa, he left.
He didn't even finish the Ribena Light I made him. Bastard. I could have had that.

Next story:
If you nip over and look at Bsabas TV, he and Brian used to write stories together called 'Jimmy'
This reminds me of a series of books written by myself, Adam, Inez and Sonia when we were all at High School together. The cast involved a good chunk of our peers as a range of characters from a ghost, a private detective, a hero, a cow called daisy .. all of which was just any excuse to put references to sex, body fluids and swearing into a written page. The original tome was called The Girl Next Door and mostly involved her getting anything and anyone inside her lady garden. Things ranged from her first experience with a guy in the year above us, to the Eiffel Tower. No, it made no sense, yes it was very crass/crude/juvenile. We were 14 when we started it, on the coach to France in June 1985 and it consisted of each person writing a page then passing it on. There was then a sequel (the GND 2), a third book that I cant remember and then Soapies. Where we took select characters from all the soaps we watched, cast them again as our chums and wrote evil, vile things about them but all very much in a Dynasty style. These books became legend. If you were part of our in crowd, you got to read them. If not, you were probably cast and being made horrendous fun of and trying to badger anyone who was allowed to read the hallowed tome to be allowed to read it too. This rarely worked as we always found out (due to people being very unhappy to how we portrayed them and them having a go at us) and if you let an infidel read 'the book', we NEVER let you read it again.

Now, I am in touch with very few of my school friends. Adam and I stayed in touch through sixth form but then I hit a 'difficult' patch as I started to realise this whole copping off with guys thing wasn't a phase (more on that tomorrow) and to be blunt about it, i was cunt for a few years. During that time, I lost a good friend in Adam. He turned up on a website (possibly Friends Reunited, cant remember) and I dropped him a mail but never heard back. I'd like the chance to apologise to him face to face, but I don't know he can ever forgive me being such an arse to him and ignoring him and stuff back when i was 17/18. I found out a few years back we had a mutual friend, but sadly didn't manage to make contact there either. Sonia went on to work at a magazine in London .... then I kind of lost track of her too. Although in 2003 I did sit in the jacuzzi at my gym with her sister and asked her to pass on my best. Inez. Now, there is a real mystery. No matter who you bump into from school, college or anything, nobody ever knows what happened to Inez. Last rumours say she fell in with a heavy drugs crowd (like your real crack heads as opposed to somebody who just does a bit of green once in a while) back in the late 80's and went to London and was never seen again. I find that a bit of a worry and very sad. She was a god friend to me during high school.
We (and by that I mean all of us as a gang) did a lot together. Adam and I used to play Doctor Who when we first met at the tender age of 11. he was always The Doctor (Peter Davison at that time) and I was Adric - ironic given my crapness at maths that later proved to be a form of dyslexia with numbers. His dad took us to the Doctor Who 20th Anniversary Celebration at Longleat .... we got to meet lots of the cast up to that point, we bought TARDIS technical manuals, we saw sets and props from The Five Doctors - five months before it broadcast! My dad took us to a weekend car rally, we went to countless parties together, the first time we got drunk was together, we cried on each others shoulders when we split from our first girlfriends. How the hell did I cock that one up?
Inez - we were both arcade addicts, she for Return of the Jedi, I for Paperboy. We went many times to stay with her nan in Weston Super Mare and spent days in Mr B's arcade. We rode horses bareback (my god, that has a different meaning for me these days. The innocence of youth) along the beach at sunset. That is the kind of memory that sticks for life, I can tell you. We used to pretend to be hairdressers and do my mums hair, we learned naff dance routines for Bananarama and Mel & Kim songs. She used to bribe me with bourbon biscuits to copy tapes for her.
The three of us were the Harry (Adam), Ron (Me) & Hermione (Inez) of our year. Basically good kids who did their work mostly on time and did well enough grades wise but weren't above having a good adventure on the side and getting in trouble for your mates or something you believed in. We didn't do much with broomsticks though.

Where was I going with this? Nowhere really. Just thought you should know.

Defying Gravity

So thanks to young Richie, I have been listening to the Broadway cast CD of Wicked a lot this week. And ever since I first heard it a few months back one song has really struck a chord. You know how sometimes a song will do that and you stick it on repeat for about 6 weeks then move on? Just me? Like I care.
So anyway, this one song has done that and today I think I figured out why. Its very reminiscent (although the reasons and split not as extreme) as the day I had to tell Mark I really was moving away from him to find a new life for myself. I know it hurt him but I also know that as my best friend, he knew I had to do it. And he is still my best friend and always will be. The move didn't change that but I miss him so much it kills me some days. And of course, he bought me tickets to see Wicked at the end of the month!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA Can't I make you understand?You're having delusions of grandeur:
ELPHABA I'm through accepting limits 'cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down
Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could do
Unlimited. Together we're unlimited.
Together we'll be the greatest team There's ever been
Glinda - Dreams, the way we planned 'em
GLINDA If we work in tandem:
BOTH There's no fight we cannot win, just you and I defying gravity
With you and I defying gravity
ELPHABA They'll never bring us down!
Well? Are you coming?
GLINDA I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this
ELPHABA You too. I hope it brings you bliss
BOTH I really hope you get it, and you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end. I hope you're happy, my friend
ELPHABA So if you care to find me, look to the western sky! As someone told me lately "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!" And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me
Tell them how I am Defying gravity
I'm flying high defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Mark, if you ever care to find me, look to the western sky and there you will see you and I defying gravity.
x

This is just a saga now

The car is back in the garage, and with any luck may even be road legal by the time I finish work today. For the love of all things good, please let it be ready and fixed. See, the thing is they are fixing the brakes system at a cost of £300 (which is a deal they are doing as its me because Heather is lovely. If you are in Cardiff and need your car fixed, do take it to Three Arches Services and say I sent you) but there are no guarantees this is actually the cause of the problem, its just the most likely cause. So if £300 later, its still not fixed I dont know what I will do. Ask them to write it off probably and kiss The Protonator goodbye. Still, with 3k I should be able to get a decent replacement, which is what the insurance would shell out for her.

Today, Big Brother arrived in Cardiff. I am going to nip down and audition tomorrow but doubt I will get past the group excercise again. I never do. As disappointing as this may sound, when I see the freaks and nut jobs they accept, I always kind of feel a bit better that they didnt think I was one of them. Of course, should I get through, I wont be able to tell you anyway.

Our news team interviewed me about the whole thing yesterday (why try and get some audio form the people down there when you have somebody in the upstairs office willing to whore their vocal chords and opinions on a subject? right?) and so I am currently hearing myself at around five past the hour, every hour and hating the sound of my own voice. I didnt think this through.

And how good was I last night? I allowed Dan to watch an episode of Stargate as its one that hasnt aired in the US yet so he hasnt seen it. Even with Ben Browder, I just cant be doing with Stargate. Didnt like the film and after several attempts to get into the show, i just cant. I'm not sure if its a hang up from them getting renewed but sci-fi cancelling Farscape as they couldnt afford both shows. Perhaps. Whatever though, it bores me shitless. I had a kip on the sofa instead as was worn out from a hectic day out and about with Chloe, seeing clients, in torrential rain and zero visibility. I am a nervous passenger.

Which leads me to an odd thing. Have you ever had somebody refuse to let go of your hand during a handshake? And just what is the accepted duration for such contact anyway? A second? So what do you do when two seconds later, they still havent let go? And what if you actually have taken steps away after saying goodbye and they stepped with you, still holding your hand? Is that an invitation for fellatio? Or just a cultural difference if the person appears to be of a different religion from you? And what if this happens three times in 15 minutes? After a triple extended handshake, I dont know how long to leave it before I call them back with their scripts.

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?

Really? Why? And how? Can they 'bamf' like Nightcrawler? Perhaps they are fitted with a time rotor and materialising circuits like the TARDIS and can materialise at will? In which case, do they have chameleon circuits too? Are they actually just like chickens when you pick them out of the freezer at Tesco and all the heads, beaks, feathers and shit just an image projected? So are they also dimensionally transcendental and are not different sizes? I mean, when did you last see a sparrow in the freezer for sale? Always roughly chicken or turkey sized those birds in the supermarket. I shall look at Steve the Heron in new light today when he comes to fish under my office window.

See, what started this was my random singing of the line 'why do birds suddenly appear' while gazing out of the window .... as a duck floated by on the river .... so as I suggested it, a bird did suddenly appear. Maybe its me. perhaps I can summon creations at will? Lets experiment..... I shall say the next bit aloud.

Ben Browder has just pulled into the car park!
Give me a sec............

................. apparently not. Oh well, that puts pay to that theory. Unless its just animals and small wild fowl.

And this is me sober............. you have to marvel how Dan copes.

Cant Get You Outta My Head as I have been upgraded.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PPtgSEYOBg
Since no matter how hard I try, I cant get those nice little square windows with teh you tube clips in, you are just getting a linkk to dancing cybermen.

Travelling Light Years

So, Friday was Kylie day. More on that shortly.

Still being vehicle-ly challenged, I had to kind of cobble together various favours to get myself in to Cardiff for the bus to London. And what a lovely bus it was..... a nice big comfy coach, with a big smiley man on the side, a large luggage hold and two floors of seating (I chose upstairs as although planned to read Wicked most of the way, I did think that given I am usually driving and in a car very low to the ground, being not driving and a good 15 feet higher would afford some lovely views I don't usually get. Alas it was pissing down and I could see little further than the hard shoulder of the M4). Arrival in London was swift after a very relaxed journey (read: I fell asleep twice). It took just over the 3 hours 15 mins journey time, but that was fine as I wasn't meeting David until 5.00pm so had ages to get to Twickenham.

I met with David in a pub called The Bear (how very apt. Sadly not a gay bar and no actual bears in sight .. well there was one very straight Aussie guy there who was v hairy and I would let him), had a brief drink with his fellow workers, showed off my Doctor Who set visit pix and flounced out to get the combo of buses and trains to Wembley.

Then Kylie......

Ok, so as if seeing Kylie live again wasn't exciting enough, she had added a touch of Disney, Madonna and Doctor Who to her set. Yes...... truly my four favourite things in one gig. I have to confess to crying and being a moist of crotch. For full details see here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Showgirl_-_The_Homecoming_Tour
But the Dance of the Cybermen section was what really got me ...... it began with a green laser searching teh stage while the bass line of the Who theme played .... then actual soundbites of Cybermen/Cyber controller from 'Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel' before her dancers all appeared in cybermen like outfits .... think the cyberwoman in Torchwood and you are spot on.
A M A Z I N G

So, after the gig, adrenaline still high, we trolled back to David and Alan's for a drink before bed. 2.00am we finally went off to kip..... until this day, I had only ever spoken to David by phone... or so we thought! Turns out we had been in the audience together at E-Fourum (now called big brothers big mouth of course....). It was great to finally meet all proper like and I am so forever in his debt for getting the ticket for me! Such a sweetie!

...to be up at 8.30 so I could back into central London to meet Richie for a few hours. We had a troll about Borough Market, a quick tour of the locations used in the Bridget Jones movies, then back to his flat to dry out as was piss soaking wet. I had just about dried out in time to go back out into the rain and get wet on the way to get the coach home.


Did I say coach? Ah! Silly me! Clearly I mean the clapped out double decker bus that megabus laid on to get us back to Cardiff.
A normal type that you see in any town and is enough of a bone shaker into town, never mind for a three hour plus trip. As people were boarding with cases and such like, teh baggage handlers were making a huge deal about people having luggage over the weight limit ... holding up the process. While technically they were within their rights as people did have over the limits stated in the T&C's, had they put on a coach with proper storage for such a journey, rather than a double decker form the 1970's with just the little enclosure that is always full of push chairs and old peoples shopping trolleys, it wouldn't have been an issue.
Again, I sat upstairs and was lucky enough to have a seat to myself. I began to read....... but one girl spent the first hour or so on her mobile, loudly. Another had a PSP type thing she was playing music videos on .. which would have been fine if she had speakers or I liked R&B.....
The driver then stopped three times as we travelled across London, for around 10 mins each time, for no apparent reason (think he may have been adjusting the pile of luggage in the push chair area), so the trip across from Victoria to the M4 took 70 mins instead of 20........
It was still windy and raining hard all the way down the M4 and a few times we were thrown from our seats by sudden braking or the wind hurling the bus about. We also had an unscheduled stop just outside Swindon (at which point I was on the verge of calling Roo and seeing if she could come and get me and I'd hitch hike back from hers on the Sunday but my phone had been on almost no power since Friday night and I had turned it off in case of a real emergency) for a good half an hour. We eventually hit Cardiff almost two hours after we were supposed to, meeting a crowd of angry faces who had expected to be on the 6.00 coach from Cardiff to London and were now going to be on the 8.00 bus...
So this left me the journey back to Senghenydd still to content with ..... but I had arranged to pick up a company car from work, so only had to get to Taffs Well which was easier ..... except all of the pool cars had been taken out for the weekend (and not all legitimately from what I can gather .... but I may be wrong there). So now had exhausted all of my cash and was still a few miles short of home. Luckily, the very lovely Gareth in our news team gave me a lift to the foot of the village so I only had a 30 min walk from there .... which surprised me as I thought it would only take 10 mins........
So at almost 10.00pm I got home ....... damp, tired and broke.

Big Brother will get back to you

So Celeb BB began again last night............. stretching the definition of the word celebrity to new lows. Does anyone know who that wanker is from that band about tower of London or something? I cant find anyone who knows who he is. Is this some odd twist from last years Chantelle not being a celeb but having to convince the housemates she was a pop star in Europe? Has this guy got to convince the public? Then we have:
Ken Russell............. may not live through it, bless him. I don't think the producers are being fair by putting him in there.
Cleo Rocos ......... big boobed legend from the Kenny Everett Show. Not been famous since 1982 but think she will be fun
Dirk Benedict ........ arrived in the A Team van........ genius
H from Steps ......... who came out yesterday........apparently....... the reaction across the entire UK was 'wasn't he out already?' which says a lot
Some Bollywood actress......... good call BB ........ given the very large multi cultural nature of the UK, she ought to do well. I went to a few Bollywood films a few years back. Sadly I had no idea what was being sung but the plot always seems to be: Ugly fat old man with lots of money is due to be wed to thin young girl less than half his age, she wails about it to her friends and meets fit young man. They sing on a clifftop somewhere. Old man finds them. Old and young man fight. Old man is shot/stabbed/falls off cliff. Young man and thin girl get married. And this all takes three hours.
Danielle Lloyd ........ never heard of her. Sick of her whiny voice before she even got in the house.
Carole wotsit ........... some tabloid journo who has made a career from slagging off reality tv.... interesting
Jo O Meara .......... former member of S Club 7..... apparently lovely but think she may well have a total breakdown by day 12
Leo Sayer ........ seemed to actually know everyone and have met them all before. Still has unfeasibly large hair
Jermaine Jackson..... sweet lord he has no idea what he has let himself in for. On the way in, he told Davina he has servants to do everything and does the white glove test to make sure his house is clean. Can we say OCD?

The rumours had The Hoff! Rupaul! Su Pollard! And we get this bunch of shite. I'll watch it if there's nothing better to do, but frankly there is a whole internet of porn out there that deserves my attention more...........

Its a Rich Mans World

So, the car cost me £160 for the service four days before Christmas. £115 yesterday for its work to try and get it through the MOT (legal requirement in the UK) which it failed due to brakes and now the brakes are going to cost a further £300. So that will be almost £600 in total. I could actually buy another car for that but it wouldn't be as funky as The Protonator (my car, which is worth around £3000) and would probably be dead within a year.

So with me now totally penniless, I had to rely on Dan to give me bus fare to get to work today. Then he e-mailed me to say that the bank has taken £300 from his account and closed it for continually being overdrawn. So now we have no money, no car and about 8 days worth of food to last three weeks.

can you say up shit creek without a paddle?

I am due to see Kylie this friday at wembley. The ticket is paid for and Mark (wonderful man that he is) had even given me £50 for the petrol to get me there and back .... which has now become a bus ticket and two travel cards to get me around london ....... I'd bloody thumb a lift if it came to it than miss Kylie....

I have asked my employers about the possibility of a company loan for £500 to get the car going, pay for Dan's travel and get food..... keep 'em crossed for me.

A Quiet One

That is my response to anyone who asks how my festive season went. To be totally honest, we aimed for a nice quiet time at home together, being our first Christmas in our joint home, and that is what we got. It made the whole thing something of a non event .. at no point did I feel festive, excited or anything other than totally indifferent. A lot of this also has to do with our financial situation, which since Florida has been purely surviving.

As most people know, I dont drink much and havent done since I was about 25. New Year is my usual exception but this year I just didnt feel like it, despite having a bottle of Jack Daniels at the ready. And so at midnight, I decided to never drink alcohol again. This doesnt mean things like I will avoid food that has been cooked in wine, chocolate liquers and stuff ... but actually having a glass of wine, a vodka and coke, a beer ...... no more. I got all excited at the prospect of the Thames fireworks on the BBC, and so after whatever we had been watching, sat all excited and ready from about 11.30. Then at 11.40 ..... pouff! Blackout. No power to the house at all ... or street for that matter ... until 12.35. So the new year was me and dan sat in our living room with a few candles ..... and I think its one of the best New Yeras ever.

Now, I know you could say, well, we did you have the holiday then? Simply this. The sale of my house last year financed it. It meant that instead of slowly pissing away the cash week by week on fizzy drinks, chocolate and take aways (which is what I did 2 years ago with the 8k I made from my house in Luton), I had something to show for it. Fabulous memories. I gave Dan his dream and I would have sold a testicle to achieve that, never mind a house.

And when I look at everything ...... its the fucking car that has caused this.
October: tax was due
November: £200 for a years AA membership (and having broken down once without cover and seeing the scary experience that was, never again)
December: £160 for a service .... which wasn't complete as they didn't have all the parts
January: MOT due today ...... £115 to get it sorted, and that is with the lovely Heather at the garage knocking off over £50 in charges for me as she knows I am struggling. Then bear in mind that the Dec & Jan bills have come from the same paycheck.
Now that I have got her road legal again, I have £2.57 until Jan 21st for fuel ... which is maybe 2 days petrol to work and back ..... and there is no other way for me to get to work. Not to mention that on Friday I am due to be going to London to see Kylie. Luckily Mark is lending me the cash to get the round trip to Wembley sorted (Bonjour Claude!) ......

On the plus side, the loan car I have has been driven by David Tennant, I believe. COOL

Oh, and Sarah Jane Adventures yesterday was brilliant. Lots of fun
Torchwoods season finale two parter was astounding. Loving it lots. Will say no more as not wishing to spoil for some of my readers outside the UK who will not have seen it yet!