My life, the people in it and any other shit I decide to throw at you.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

All Clear

All cleared at the hospital and just needed my Engerix B booster (Glaxo Smithkline branded Hep b jab .. I sold it for a living back in the late 90s)
Then, heading back to the office, I had to stop for a few moments at an obscured junction.
They were only flipping filming Doctor Who!
I said hello to Catherine Tate! She said hello back!
They were filming her running up to a camera, checking her watch and running off. But there was also a red jeep rigged up for cameras and the black London taxi there too. I overheard the director (my dads mate Graeme Harper) talking about getting passer by reactions to squeals of brakes too. Got a few rubbish pics from where I was waiting to pass .. will post them later.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Support, Please.

Because I'd rather have a fair deal, than new Heroes or Ugly Betty.



This is going to be all over the place, so do try and bear with me.
I went in for some hospital tests last week and had to book Thursday off work to do so.
This came about as a ... well lets say friend ... of mine text me to say that he has been treated for a rather nasty disease that due to some of our shenanigans together earlier in the year, he may have passed to me/we may have caught from the same person/I already had it and passed it to him ... or some such combination thereof. Now, given I haven't in seen him in person since ... um ... March I think, let alone any headboard banging activities, and I had had no symptoms, and neither had Dan (or any of the other guys I have been with since) I thought I was relatively safe on the contracting anything part but thought its been a while since I went for an MOT, so bit the bullet (well, was my thumb as they were taking the bloods) and went down.
The clinic at Cardiff Royal Infirmary works on a walk in basis only for your first call. And its only Thursday mornings. And its so busy, that despite opening at 8.40, if you aren't there by 7.30, you get turned away as the queue is already too long. So I took the chance of the day off to book my car in for new brakes while I was at it. This meant I dropped the car at Three Arches Services just before 7.00, got the train 7.05 to Queen Street from Heath High Level and walked up from there. Of course, regular Doctor Who readers will know the Infirmary as Albion Hospital...
I had taken a book, got in, got my number, had my assessment for what tests I needed with a fab nurse called Karen, who really out me at ease and made me laugh - a lot.
They allocate you a number, and to protect identities, call you by that number. This would be great of they didn't have one particular doc who then greets you by your name when you walk up to him in such a loud voice, that the entire waiting room hears him. Luckily, Karen was way more discreet.
So we had a chat. I needed the full monty. And apparently, symptoms don't have to be a scabby cock... it can be a tiny little red sore in the throat .... so i may have had syphilis for months and not known. I get the results tomorrow ... but back to the tests..... throat swab. Seriously, I had no idea I could be so violent. They use a 12 inch cotton bud thing. I gagged. Hard. And also my arms flew up out of nowhere and pushed her away. i was amazed at myself frankly. I then had to drop my kecks and lay down for them to check my bollocks for signs of testicular cancer - none found and they even taught me to do it properly myself. Same hand movement as your mum uses to make crumble apparently. Thought not as hard I assume. Then came the one that .. well .. made me yell so loud that everyone in the waiting area gave me a very funny look when I went back out. The urethra swab. Yep, they stick a plastic cocktail stick down your japs eye. It lasts about half a second and stings like buggery. Well, not like buggery, that's quite fun and what got me into this mess in the first place. I think the yell was more from shock than pain as really, it doesn't hurt like you think it will and aside from leaving you the sensation like you really really really REALLY have to piss, is gone as quick as it happened. Next was arse swab. Cotton bud up the bum. Without being too gross, quite used to things going up there that are a fucking hell of a lot bigger, so didn't worry about this one. Then found out how awkward it feels sans lube. Not pain .. just wrong. This left only one thing. The main reason I put shit like this off. The reason I usually only go for these kinds of checks every few years. The vampires were coming.
Now honestly. Its 2007. Why in all that is holy in the name of our Lady Kylie, can somebody not have invented a better way of testing you for shit in the body than sticking a cold metal sharp painful needle in that feels like its the circumference of the fucking Blackwall tunnel? I mean really? Previous attempts to pull bloods have resulted in nausea, vomiting and in one case going backwards off a chair out cold and needing further medical attention due to concussion.
However, these days, you don't sit in a chair. Oh no! You have a lovely bed to lie on with .. and get this ... little poseable arm rests ..... so you can totally relax. And by totally relax clearly I mean lay there in state of utter panic, biting your thumb on your right hand while they tourniquet your left arms and jab it with the needle, stare at a small blob of artex in the very grey ceiling and talk utter shit to the poor nurse who has been assigned the job of sucking blood from your arm like one of The Lost Boys. And it was over in about ... ooh ... 30 seconds. Longest 30 seconds of my life I tell you. But the telling part of how much of this is actually all in my head. I asked her how much longer ... way after she had actually taken the needle out! Quick chat with a health advisor - who asked what my reaction to a result of HIV+ would be. I told her, I didn't see it needed a reaction, aside from 'oh god more fucking needles' and she was well pleased. Apparently most people in Cardiff think that HIV+ means you are going to die in a few months. Clearly, like most of the clothes they wear, the people of the valleys really are stuck in 1984.
And Dan has still to go through this.
So I wandered off into town after, as I was meeting my friend Peter for lunch. Popped by Dans office and said hi, bought him present(s) for Christmas, met Peter, had pizza, walked up to pick up the car, and found that they hadn't done it. It was going to be over 300 quid. I had about 350 left for the entire month. Since I had already had vague convos with them about changing voiture in the new year, they decided it was more honest to not take my money for the brakes and to just sort out a new car there and then. So we did! The Protonator has gone to find a new home, probably with someone who will appreciate her sporty boy racer values much more than i did, and now I am the proud owner of a 56 plate Citroen C1 Vibe. In bright yellow! I'll bung the photo at the end of the post. Looks tiny, actually has shit loads of room, ergo we are calling her the Tardis. Bigger on the inside than looks on the out, for the non Who fans reading.
So that was Thursday.
Friday, (also day off as just thought be nice to make a long weekend out of it) I finally got around to going along to the school where my dear mate Russ is headmaster. Its a special high school, so caters for kids 11 - 19 with severe learning disabilities. Now, i am world famous for making an utter arse of myself around the physically and mentally challenged. But being at the school was amazing. Didn't make a twat of myself once .. to my knowledge. But I am still in awe of the people working with the kids. That's more than just a job, its a way of life. And then, sat back in Russ' office while he and Kay chatted about a family whom they both teach, that it struck me. I spend my day coming up with all these brilliant ads, fabulous ideas and hilarious scripts - but to what end? What am I providing the world? Sure, once in a while a client uses a creative ad rather than an announcer just telling you who they are, what they do and why you should go to them for it, and maybe that raises a smile somewhere .. but really, I'm not changing anyone's life am I? And then I started thinking about why I trained to be an actor/writer/director. Because of the power that has to make a difference to somebody. Make people laugh, cry, think. Make a difference. And maybe my skills could be put to working with kids like these. Improving the quality of homebody's life - how fucking great is that? So I am researching it. Seeing how I can maybe be one of those people who makes a difference.
Then the weekend ... um .. cant quite remember the weekend aside from seeing Beowulf in 3D, which is good but it was blatantly made with the 3d in mind, so is prolly a bit shit in 2d.
And now we have confirmation Rose is coming back to Doctor Who. Whoopie doo. It pissed me off that the Doctor spent all of series 3 pining for her .... I was happy for her to stay put. I have my reservations but put my trust in the team just up river from where I am sat and will wait and see.

And finally ...*shuffles papers* ... Star Wars Lego. Was round Ade & Matt's for the evening last night and was playing this on the PS3. Its universally renowned that I am shit at gaming. But imagine my joy when I discovered I can make the characters leap around the room with their hands in the air like twinks at G-A-Y.

Monday, 26 November 2007

I think I know these boys.....


cash advance

I thought it would be lower actually.

Tuesday, 20 November 2007


You may or may not be aware of the current furore surrounding JJ Abrams Cloverfield project ... well, I say its his but he is actually only really producing it. Its written and directed by two other people altogether.

It has been a big viral marketing campaign, with teaser trailers, rumours, spin off/fake websites to search for and decipher for clues to the actual plot of the movie ... all a lot of stuff and nonsense really. But I am hooked, natch. I am the man hype was made for.

Anyhoo, with the release of the first trailer proper over on Apple yesterday, everyone is flapping over a slight glimpse of said beastie that is the cause of the kerfuffle in the film. Lots of people are talking about it being alien/lizard/Godzilla but nobody else seems to have spotted what I found ... a face. Can you see it? Looks like a cross between those Dinosaur folk from that episode of Voyager and a Graske to me.
While on the trailers I also found this delight.
Usually a big supporter of anything Disney, I am amused by that typeface. And think they have a point ... which reminds me .. time to dig out the Christmas Police Uniform as decorations have started appearing in the village.

Monday, 19 November 2007

Cruising, Crashing & Dusting

I just received a mail from some bod in our group I have never heard of, thus:
Hi everybody,
I am seeing a cruise company this week with a campaign for which will command direct response.
Does anybody have any successes with Cruise companies I could use a testimonial to prove direct response??
If not something similar would be great.

And I am so tempted to reply that we cant advertise that sort of thing on air! And what would that testimonial be?
"I am Jeff, and I regularly hang around the local park at 11pm, looking for men to perform orally with. I first had success advertising my wares on Real Radio in 2005. Usually, I would cop off with around 3 different guys a week, but after advertising where and when I would be on the radio, I found queues had formed before I got there. I was so astounded by the response, I now take my 17 year old son out with me to help with the demand and have to wear a nappy during daytime hours to avoid seepage"

Of course Friday was the event that was Time Crash.
Fuck me. Came in my pants. Twice. If you haven't seen it, its on the BBC website until Friday only! I could rave about it in minutiae detail, I loved it that much .. but I shan't. Yet anyway.
And last night we saw Stardust. A charming we film that has just the right mix of magic, mystery and chuckles to keep all of them going. Its nothing you probably haven't seen before, in a variety of other guises and places, but cute enough to keep you entertained throughout. Particular mention goes to Robert De Niro - but you'll have to peruse the flick to see why - it would spoil it if I told you!
My only minor quibble: Why cast such great talents as the dead Princes if all they are going to do is watch and clap on the sidelines?

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Thursday, 15 November 2007

Animal Lore

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I heard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around their feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog recieves special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Thanks to Adrian for this little gem.

All I Want for Christmas

..is my two front teeth .. straightened. And that wonky side one too .. to hell with it, give me full veneers.
Ok, so I am putting a wish list here for Santa. I will be adding to it as and when I find shit I want, so do check back. Particularly if you are thinking of buying me something. Not that I expect anything, this is more a share of ideas.......

Ok, really want to do this. And its in Bedford, so totally do-able next time I am back home in Luton.
And this is quite cool too. Even though for some reason I either think of lesbians or drag queens whenever I hear it mentioned.
And on a related note, this would scare the living shit out of me but I still want one. And this would have me pissing my pants. But want this, this and this. I expect I will get this in works Secret Santa.
I REALLY want one of these but know its way out of the price range of anyone who buys for me.
But then Id love one of these, these, and I really really really want to get my hands on this.

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Dream a Little Dream

I have been having very vivid, rememberable dreams the last few nights.

Dream one went like this: I was a kind of floating spirit, following some child who was living in a derelict building in china or japan. She was about 8 or 9 and had a red coat and a pale pink woolly hat on. I followed her up the stairs, which had flaky cream painted walls. At a certain point the stairs are all demolished, but she does something to produce a ladder .. I think it was make a noise or something, anyway, she climbs up the ladder into an apartment where she is living in hiding and she pulls the ladder up after her. Oriental modern day pirates were after her though and they managed to follow her and get up the ladder. I could communicate with her telepathically and warned her to hide out on the window ledge. But even after she used some odd power to incinerate them, their skeletons kept fighting. After I managed to break the skeletons on the floor, I went back into the room (I am still a floating spirit or energy creature bear in mind) and they had taken her from outside. Then i was at home and it was raining in every room of the house. And home was exactly as it is in real life. I can remember trying to plug up leaks in the attic roof, then it occurred to me that it would be raining on the ground floor, if the roof was the problem.

Dream 2: We had a massive round pool in our house. Not the house we have now, it was a different one. It was more like a mansion actually. Anyway, we had a huge round pool, it was very Gothic on design .. like old Victorian baths. At either end of the room were steps up to tiled ceramic areas that had men's and women's steam rooms. The pool could be used a massive Jacuzzi too. The pool itself was a good 30 feet wide, with a large bronze feature on a round tiled plinth in the centre and there were many taps and air jets there. We had loads of people over (like about 60 or 70 and there was plenty of room!) and some weren't wearing anything to bathe... and Scissor Sisters were there. Jake and Ana were naked, but Babydaddy had shorts on and I was trying to get his attention, but he just seemed annoyed with me bothering him, so I just sat in a crowded steam room with him and Del, listening to a new record of theirs as they worked out if they were happy with the guitar track on it. (this was up in the steam room, and there were about 20 others too). Babydaddy was just upset because the love of his life had left him. I could remember the name earlier, the initials were A M. It was old fashioned sounding like Albert Marle or something. Albe Marque? Oh cant remember .. anyway, the steam suddenly vanished and aside from me, everyone was dressed and left. So I found Dan and we were just filling up the pool again with hot water and put a film on our huge plasma screen and floated about watching it.

They lock people up for less.
Still no Scissor Sisters dvd .. despite pre ordering specifically so I wouldnt have to wait for it.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007


A Local Show, for Local People

So, Tree and I are off to see The Producers in a few weeks, as its tour comes to a close in cardiff at Wales Millennium Centre.
So imagine our excitement at reading this.
Peter Kay and Reece Shearsmith will be performing the night we go.
Can you say excited?

Friday, 9 November 2007

Me Scrooble Now

Thursday, 8 November 2007

How Very Me

I took one of those personality tests on facebook. It was a series of questions and you had to pick the picture that most summed up the scenario to you. The report it produced is very accurate.
Temperament: Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests: Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement: Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion: Physical
You are a cuddle bug - from a warm hug shared with your best friend to steamy sex with your partner, you enjoy every bit of human contact that you can get. You demonstrate your love for others most fluidly through physical one-on-one contact and you feel the most loved when you are being touched. You feel disconnected when you are physically isolated from others. You're a people person and a lover of all things human.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

With a Bang

Fireworks. I love them. But they are a bit scary frankly. The last four nights have been a host of bangs, crashes and flashes all around the Aber valley. Poor Smeagol has been terrified and has barely left the attic. And given his poop tray is still empty, I am a bit scared as to what he is doing up there.
Of course, I was working with the Real Patrol on saturday for Cardiff's official firework display. This mostly involved swanning around in front of the stage and the VIP area taking pictures of presenters, clients and performers. Oh, and having our breakfast team getting 10,000 people to laugh at how I run. To be fair, its a bit girlie.
We had Tori White, Billiam, Journey South and Merrill Osmond on stage and they were all brilliant. And no, until then I had never heard of Tori or Billiam either but will be keeping an eye on them in the future.
My cold is finally seeming to shift, but Dan has got worse again. I badgered him into staying off work today, so hopefully a days rest will help.


Thursday, 1 November 2007

Just One Person

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,
believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason,
that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."
Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three.....
People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,
Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, and more, and more....
And when all those people,
Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will start to see what everybody sees in You...
And maybe even you can believe in you... too!


Meet Bruce the pumpkin. I name them every year. Its just something I do.
Sorry about the shit spacing. Fourteen fucking attempts at editing and it either sticks it in one stupidly long left hand column or leaves fucking great gaps. And I am pissed off now and don't care.

Of course, the big question was when to celebrate Samhain. Some texts will have you believe that it needs to be November 1st, so that it sits nicely opposite Beltane as May 1st.

I don't follow that school. Celebrate on October 31st - the Pagan New Year, when the veils between worlds is thinnest as the old year dies and the new is born. Prompting the Pagan fearing Christians of yore to nick the day as their own with All Saints Day. When they celebrate all that is good and right about those holy people. Shaznay, the twins and the other one.

Where's Paulie?

Our year photo, the year I left Junior School