1987 onwards

So I remember it was a Thursday night. My mum and her husband (third husband, I stress) where at the pub as John played pool in the local tournament. Not that they needed that as en excuse to go to the pub, they went most nights. despite the fact that John couldn't hold down a job and mum wasn't working and there were three of us kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs to feed ... before we even start on bills. This is the same period in my mothers life where she sold my entire Star Wars collection for just £15 so she could go to the pub. But to give that weight, let me explain entire collection. Every figure, vehicle and playset from the first ones released in late '77 right through to the Ewok village released in Autumn 85. Have a look exactly how much merchandise that is, and what it was worth then. let alone what it would mean financially and emotionally to me if I still owned it now. The ewok village was only a month old, when it went. And the whole lot .... did you go add up the amount .... all was sold for just £15 so she could spend a night down the pub. But I bear no malice .. thanks to a large amount of therapy. But back to the story......

I was babysitting James and Elly (who were um ..... 7 & 5 at the time) and they were long in bed and asleep. Aron had dropped by knowing I would be in. The increasing awkward sexual nature of time alone had meant that i had been avoiding him somewhat as part of me knew that if it came down to actual willy business, I would be too curious and (in my opinion at the time) weak to say no. But he had me trapped like a cornered rat .... well, maybe not quite that harsh!

The conversation, as it always did, steered around to sexuality and did either of really believe we were 100% straight. I remember trying to avoid answering by deflecting into speculation about other guys at school and if they were gay, straight, bi, had or had not had any experience.... and that was when the shocker came. Aron told me that for the whole of the fifth year ..... actually, I need to explain something else first.

In the last year of school, we didn't have to take part in games (pe, phys ed, or whatever your culture calls it ... sports n shit). We could (and it was really only offered to the girls) either go assist with reading at infant schools and nurseries or go to a home for the elderly or special needs and help with home care. I chose to go back to school and teach kids. (i am getting deja vu here ... did I post this stuff already? Oh well, here it is again anyway). Aron, being the sporty type he is, did badminton and had to go off site to the local rec to do so. So, being the oldest and most responsible kids in school, we were all allowed off site from about midday to make our way to wherever we spent a Thursday afternoon. So while I and the girls headed off to William Austin infants, Aron and a few other guys went off to the rec. And while I stopped off at the chip shop fro chips, cherry coke and a saveloy, Aron and cohorts were stopping off in wardown park to suck on an entirely different type of sausage. The names he reeled off as having had in the last 9 months astounded me. One of them has since come out, so may have been true. Another is now married, living in another country (Pete, if you ever come across a Lutonian out there .... raise an eyebrow on my behalf) but I reckon may have tried it .. the rest I think he was making up to big up the story. But then came the crunch. And the peer pressure.

He offered me a blow job.

I was three weeks ish from my 16th birthday. I was curious. i was terrified. I didn't want to be gay. Could I say yes and just put it down to experimenting? Would people accept me better i I was bisexual? Would he let me come in his mouth as my dad had always said that when my first time arrived, to lie and say I wouldn't and then do it anyway as its better. Granted, he expected it to be with a girl when he told me that. Back in those days, phrases I use now to justify my actions like 'what would Dame Julie do?' just weren't around. So I did the only thing a pent up 15 year old lad can. Whopped it out for him.

It must have lasted ... ooh ..... at least a minute. I can remember thinking the top of my head was going to actually implode. My knees gave out and I collapsed over his shoulder, fireman lift stylee. And then he asked me to return the favour and I got really scared. I mean, anyone can get their cock sucked and if you close your eyes, its suddenly whoever you need it to be (trust me, I have pulled so many 'straight' guys with that line its not even funny) ... but being on the other end ... that made me queer. So I did it anyway just to find out.

And thus began 7 years of secret meetings, almost being caught out on many occasions, staying over whenever each of our families went away leaving us home alone. Trips away to see old friends who had left the area, midnight rendezvous' on golf courses, in the woods etc. But let me make one thing clear. This was never a relationship. There was no body contact outside of sex. There was no emotion involved. No kissing. We were not boyfriends. We were barely even ordinary friends at times. There was, however, competition.

When I finally got around to having a serious girlfriend, after faffing about for many years with snogging n shit, and it became a sexual thing (after one barbecue when i got a bit tipsy and horny. I was 18 and would have shagged a hedgehog that night if it had offered. Not that I mean to put the poor girl down, she was lovely and madly in love with me. I was just in that awkward cunt stage I mentioned before - you know, when I totally flicked Adam out of my life), suddenly Aron also had a woman he was shagging. His bosses wife. I never did and still don't believe this to be true. But since I had, he had to............. and vice versa. When he once told me about some girl he had had a mis guided grope with in a club, I then went out to the first girl who I knew already fancied me and made sure we got down and dirty too (not full shagging but there was mouth/genital contact on both sides) .

Then in May of 1993 (what is it with May???) Aron called me at work one day. Now, not only was this rare, but it always made me on edge as I didn't wish to give anything away. We only called each other on a booty call (again, not a phrase we used back then). But his reason for calling was quite different this time. He had finally been to a gay bar. I was stunned.

You see, from May 87 to May 93, there had only been each other, as far as men go. We had never ever set foot in a gay bar of club, never told anyone else. Why would we? We constantly had each other at our disposal. What would we need other men for? Plus, there was a lot of press about HIV and AIDS back then and little education. We were terrified and by only seeing each other, we stayed safe. No other diseases ever came to mind. Its just how things were for us back then.

But I am getting close to my coming out story. I feel that needs its own entry on here, don't you?