Nothing to see here, move along

So today I thought I would enlighten you on some of the other wonderful blogs I visit daily. As much as i know you love me and are writing down my every word to become a new world encompassing religion upon my passing, you need to know who to credit as disciples.

http://madonnasthoughts.blogspot.com/
First and foremost, my Queen. 99.9% sure this genuinely is the lady herself. Check out the comments .... the ones from Peter Pan are from me!

http://dansdribblings.blogspot.com/
The light in my life, cream in my coffee, apple of my eye, my partner, Dan. It has to be said, he isnt even vaguely this talkative in real life. He is really ill today ..... exploding from all orifices. Bathroom didnt smell to pleasant when i went in to shower....

http://harlequindemon.blogspot.com/
Marks. He has forgotten the pw so will probably never get updated .. which is a shame as his blogs would be wicked.

http://www.bsabas.net/
Bsabas. He rocks. And I'd let him. Recent episodes are the actual journal entries.

http://tyrannyoftheblankpage.blogspot.com/
Never met this guy but love his blogs (he is a friend of a friend). I yearn to be able to write as witty blogs as this.

http://madassoup.multiply.com/
Tess. We were at sixth form together. We went to dance classes together too - got medals in lambada dont you know! Mad as soup doesnt even begin to cover it..............

http://stark101.multiply.com
And me! My other site .... which this blog links to, so this might be a bit weird depending on which site you actually started with.... but at least you get to see pictures of me.

Back! Sack n Crack......

Hey kids,
Well, that was fun few days. Had my brother, his fiancee and their 18 month old down for the weekend. Lots of trips to town and the beach ensued .... along with a very cute child. Morgan hasn't met me very often but took to Dan & myself straight away . even sitting on our laps quite happily which she apparently won't do much of outside of her mum and dad. Sadly, she was in a strop from hell on sunday and wouldn't do anything but scream and cry. At which point I was glad they were leaving at lunchtime.......

Then on Monday, I decided that it was time to try a more effective hair removal technique for more personal parts of my anatomy .... so having being told by a trusted friend (yes Mark, I mean you) that the sensitive skin version with almond doesn't cause any issues, I went ahead .. trying just a small test patch first. This worked just fine, so I went ahead and did both the twins and the channel beneath them right around to where the valley ends and starts to become my lower back. Also had to do just a bit around the base of the purple headed mountain ..so to speak. Left the required 5 minutes .. well slightly less to be fair as it had taken about three to get everything covered.... and started removing. All fine and dandy and smooth as a babies bottom. Well .. not quite for as most guys will tell you (and certainly to my experience with any guy I have ever shaved....) that the first few minutes they go all tough and look like elephant hide .. no? just in my experience?
Anyhoo, after removing cream, I hopped in the shower to wash down ... all good. went downstairs to show Dan .. still good ... slight tingly sensation which I put down to the air on them .... within the hour actually thought my groin was on fire. Didnt get a lot of sleep as couldn't have them touch anything .. including my leg, bed etc without wincing with the pain .. and they were starting to swell too. I have since discovered the cause of the discomfort was actually on the base of the love muscle itself as the skin has been heavily lacerated where it is obviously too soft for such treatments and the hairs have been torn out.

So I spent tuesday sat in with them resting on the Thomson Local, trying not to move, watching the first 8 episodes of Fame series 1 and the special edition of Supergirl. They are still a tad sore today but at least I can get trousers on.

And on the subject of trousers ... I still need a 38 inch waist ..... bah.... but even a 30 inch leg is tucking under the heel of my shoes. To date, I haven't found a 38 waist with a 28 leg ... so I am 10 inches rounder than I am long in the leg ............. god that's a depressing thought.

Pants

I think somebody is stealing my pants off the washing line. By pants, this is the UK version of the word meaning briefs and boxers rather than trousers.

Seriously, I used to have a drawer full that lasted a good two weeks (at one pair worn per day) before I ran out. We are completely up to date with our washing and I have none clean and about three pairs (yesterdays in the laundry and two pairs drying on a radiator). Which means in the last three weeks (by my reckoning since I last had a full drawer) around 12 pairs have gone missing. Is it you? Give them back you perv. Or at least steal them dirty and have something worth sniffing.

In other news .. I finally gave in and got a Superman tee shirt and am wearing it today. Wanted one for years and they are everywhere cheap at the moment, but didn't want to be wearing one when everyone else was as Superman was 'in'. Luckily, Superman Returns was popular for about 2 days only and now everyone has excess stock they are shifting cheap .... and nobody round here seems to be wearing them ... so I win on all levels.

And today my new mobile arrives. I text a lot ... regularly having a bill of 70/80/90 quid (£92.43 this latest bill) and tried seeing if T Mobile could offer me a package to reduce that bill. They could ... but it would mean a fixed bill of at least £60 a month ... and then if I went over my 700 texts (v likely) it would mount up again. Then an ad came on the tv for Orange for their new Dolphin package (thehaveve four new packs based on creatures for some obscure reason. Dolphin, Squirrel, Armadillo and Spunk Monkey .. or something). This gives me 500 talk time minutes anytime to annetworkok anunlimiteded texts anytime to any network ..for £35 a month set fee. I'd have been a twat not to really. Just need to port my number over now as cant be arsed with making sure I change it in the 500 squillion places my number is stored.

Super X

Before I start todays blethering nonsense ... you need to know two things:
1. Although an uber sci-fi geek, my comicbook geekiness is limited.
2. In accordance with (1) I do however love comic book franchises and have a strong background knowledge on most of them, even if I dont read that many. Batman is the main exception due to my adoration of the Bruce/Selina Batman/Catwoman duplicity.

So, last night I watched My Super Ex Girlfriend.
At this point you may be waiting for a simpsons comic book guy style rant (worst .. movie ..ever) but you aint getting one because I loved it! I thought the effects of her flying were actually better than most of the Spidey stuff, the romance plot more interesting and believable than Superman Returns and the villain .. well the great thing about it was that the villain was kind of the hero... for anyone who has seen it, one word ... telescope. Classic.

But this leads me to another point ..... what the hell is going on with the real superhero movies? Spiderman - nice start, brings in the background very well but the last act was just shocking. Hardly a big ending was it? And over in 3 seconds flat. And as for all the reviews at the time of how great the effects were of spidey swinging down the streets ... did they see a different cut to me? Did Cineworld in Luton get a working print by accident with incomplete FX? (Mr. Rainbow ... you were managing projection then ... what gives??? Or did Barti put something in my drink!!!!). Spidey 2 was much better ... in fact I would go as far as to say I liked it. Spidey 3 I am dead excited by as it has Venom who has been a fave of mine .... since before he was venom! I just think the colours are nicer.
And on to Superman .... The original two films .... you cant touch them. The look, the casting, the music, the sets ... everything ... its (to me) just what Superman is about. Superman 3 I can enjoy on a slapstick level .. plus that robot woman at the end is quite cool, i liked that as a kid. Lets gloss over 4 and move on to ...
X-Men. Now, prior to the first movie, my X knowlegde was very limited. I have a few friends who are big fans (Hi John!) and so most of my knowlegde was through them. I really liked the first one ..LOVED the second (cried like a girl when Jean Grey was engulfed by the water .. then Dan explained the Phoenix thing to me) and thought the third was a lot of fun but ultimately not a fitting end to a trilogy (but dont get me wrong, still enjoyed it a lot).
And of course ... The Bat.
Tim Burton nailed Gotham for me. 100% Joel Schumacher fucked it, rolled it over, fucked it twice more up the arse and then shot a wad on it face for good measure. Now, I dont blame Joel per se for this. I have seen the man interviewed and I like him a lot ... he had some great ideas that the studio kind of ran way with ... and spoilt. The only thing where Joel and I disagree is a colour scheme ... and you are going to get that kind of argument when you ask two gay men to decorate, be it Gotham City, a living room or otherwise. But please ... what was Batman & Robin? And Jim Carrey as The Riddler? Not evil, clever and conniving so much as just a hateful twat.

But Batman Forever was the start of what became the probelm with these franchises. It suddenly became about the toys .... now in part, this has been an issue since Star Wars that has been gestating and growing but to my mind, Forever was the turning point and B&R the breaking point. Returns worked beautifully. One hero, one villain, one .... duplicitous central charatcer and all the support. Forever ... Hero, sidekick with backstory needed, Two Villains each with a backstory/origin. B&R .. hero, sidekick, three vilains with origins/backstory, a sick butler, new sidekick with story related to sick butler ....plus costume changes and mutiple accessories to maximse toy potential..... you see my point?

Sp back to where we started ... My Super Ex Girlfriend. Not over complicated, four central characters around which all revolves and some effects that look like they are at least actually happening to the people around them ... and on a considerably less budget I would imagine too. Hollywood, are you listening?

Tinker, Tailor, Waiter, Psychic

All a bit random again I'm afraid, but that's why I chose the name for this blog .. I know what I can be like.

Had a good last few days. Was at the speedway thursday night. Not that I like going to the speedway you understand. I thought I was just hob nobbing! Then arrived to find myself playing waiter to Howard & Roo ... in the middle of the track .... which was actually way more fun than I thought and a helluva lot more fun than it sounds.

Then of course, Big Brother finished its UK run for this year on friday. Pete won. No surprises there. Davina kept stating through the show that 'it isn't a one horse race' .. which is what I have been calling it on Roo's show .... has Davina been listening to me? Scary thought.

Had quite a lazy weekend .. Because it rained .... a lot. We did go out saturday night but I was holding back a bastard of a headache so came home at about half ten. I did offer to leave Dan behind with his mate and I'd go back for him at 2.00am or whenever he was dojne with whatever he chose to get up to .. but the sap came home with me. If that had been the other way around I'd have let him go and got myself in the nearest gay club ... or sauna more likely. I did my best to make him stay behind and enjoy himself but he was having none of it. I even told him he need not come home and I would come down and get him in the morning. But no, we were tucked a-bed by 11.00pm. I have a lot to teach him still, clearly.

Then of course, we had to see Snakes On A Plane. It has everything you expect and more:
Somebody good at video games who may need to fly the plane should the pilot and co-pilot both get bitten? Check!
Children travelling alone so that the older may have to keep his promise to look after the younger when he gets bitten? Check!
Air Hostess who is doing one last flight before leaving to pursue a real career? Check!
Her old colleague who has put off retirement to do one last flight with her? Check!
Snakes? Check
A Plane? Check
Go see, you'll laugh your tits off.
Unless you are shit scared of snakes .. in whcih case I recommend staying home with the My Little Pony Movie circa 1987. Its got some purple glob taking over the world of the ponies and a girl called Megan has to go in search of the flutterbye ponies to save the day .. or something. I took my little sister to it, its been a while.

Ouch

In an amazing act of muppetry, I just took a swig of my diet cola drink (no product placement here, but it was pepsi) and got the ring pull caught up my nose. You'd never have had that in the old days when they were removable .. I should sue for millions.

So if you are a reader of empire magazine, you may see my name in the Star Wars memories section. See as a subscriber not only to the magazine but also to the newsletter and website, they sometimes ask such things of me... well and a few thousand others I expect. The thing was this, as a child when the first Star Wars film came along, like many I was obsessed. I had toys, costumes, lightsabres, wallpaper ... you know the drill ... and lived in a close with just 13 houses. From those houses, there were 7 of us kids who regularly played out and until Star Wars it was either dolls with the girls or war with the boys. War films bored me to tears (although Tom Micthell did once convince me to play Force 10 From Navarone with him but since I hadn't seen it that involved lots of him telling where to stand and what to say ... oh how that was a sign of years to come .. not with Tom though) so when Star Wars came along and we realised we had the right number and mix of people to have all the best characters, it was a natural progression. Sadly, always having been the small one in any given group, I wasn't suitable for Luke, Han or Chewie .. and you couldn't possibly have a short arse Vader. So I was Artoo for the most part .. until I had one of my first actors queenie strops .. and demanded I get lines in these games. Now, the natural choice would have been for me to take on C3PO .. especially given how camp he is. But no, somebody .. probably Mark Ambridge ... came up with the idea that Luke & Leia were going to get married and have kids ..so I got to be there child, always in need of rescuing, called Kiddie (genius name for their kid huh?). This was fine and dandy and kept us going through the summer of 78, winter of 78/79 and a little beyond until the Ambdridges moved away, Tom got too old to play and the rest of us discovered the famous five and went off to the park daily looking for clues to an adventure. You wouldn't get that from 9 year olds today.
Of course the real kick in the teeth was in the summer of 83 when it was revealed that Luke & Leia are siblings ... we had stopped playing years before but the thought always lingered and left a bad taste in my mouth...... should I have played him with two heads and a speech impediment?

There's no place like home...

Happy Monday!

Some tales from the weekend for you....

Friday night I went up to London to be in the studio audience for discussion programmers Big Brothers Big Mouth. I have been a few times now and last year even made it on to the panel as an official BB obsessive ... but this Friday marked two special occasions.
1. Dermot was on the panel and I got to have his arm around me and our picture taken...
2. For the first time ever I was lost for words on tv. You see, Russell Brand, the genius comic host usually darts about like a wild thing so when he spoke to my mate Katrina sat next to me, I really thought he would move on to a different part of the studio for his next comment but instead asked me .... sadly my head had turned its focus to getting another admiring glance at Dermot and was not in what do I think of housemate Nikki who has just gone back in the house mode. So what did I say? 'She is evil and should be burned at the stake' Harsh?

Then after, we picked up my mate Rich and brought him back to Wales for the weekend. Amazing guy, got a lot of time for him. But you see, with this comes a terrible realization ... I miss living in South East England. Don't get me wrong, my life in Wales is everything I ever wished for with my job, the house, Doctor Who based mere minutes away and it goes without saying Dan - the love of my life. But there is a mentality, a way of thinking, a humour and disposition that you only get in decent folk back home ... see, I even still call it home despite how settled I am here. Over the last 6 weeks, I have either been up to see friends there or had people stay down here ... and I am a tad homesick. When Mark & Lyanne left two weeks ago after Madonna I felt a bit sad. Yesterday after Richie left I was miserable as a centipede with blisters. Still, I am good today and am seeing Roo this friday (day off work - get in!) with Amy coming over from Swansea on saturday.

So really, I think what I am saying is that I am dead lucky to have such great friends!

Worse than buses, me ...

none for ages then two at once....

Well, lunchtime has brought a few things I need to talk about.

First, MacDonalds Rolo milkshakes. Its taken me almost three weeks and 10 trips to 8 different restaurants (can I really call maccy dees a restaurant? eatery? Shit hole?) I finally found one with a working machine ... even though the girl did tell me it was broken still when I ordered. Luckily the guy who had fixed it heard my order and brought it across anyway. Worth the wait? Well, not quite but it is luvverly.

Second, Nat West bank. On Tuesday August 1st, I dropped a change of address form into Caerphilly Branch and was told that it would take 12 - 24 hours to process. So off I went and changed my billing address on all my online accounts .. play, amazon etc. 48 hours later bought some things from Play ... had the order declined as the address they had didnt match my address with the bank. So I trotted up to the very friendly ladies in the Radyr branch and they confirmed my address still showed as Swansea .. but that it could take about 3 days so to try again the next day. Having no need, I didnt bother. Tuesday coming is my mothers birthday, I ordered her some gifts online and the order processed beautifully. 'Wait one cotton picking minute' (why does picking cotton make a minute a different length of time? Does raw cotton have chroniton particles that effect the space time continuum? If so, why didnt Doc Brown use cotton rather than plutonium - especially given he clearly states that he has to have pure cotton clothing due to an allergy to synthetics) 'why has this order not declined since I havent amended my addresses in my online accounts' So after a trip to the bank they confirmed that 10 days later ... they still have me at my old address. Which means that any bank statements sent in the last week, since my post redirect lapsed, will go to my old house where the new people can have full access to my account and bleed me dry in their attempt to raise funds to overthrow the drug barons who rule their people. The girl today was very polite and let me do another form without having to give ID .. since I had none on me barring my bank cards.

Thirdly .... the new Doctor Who studios. I know where they are in theory ... in fact if you look them up on multimap and then have upper boat in the bottom left hand square, one diagonally up left click brings my house onto the map .... but buggered if I can actually find them. Maybe the BBC bult them underground ... like Torchowoods Cardiff HQ is supposed to be under the bit outside the Millennium Centre (where the TARDIS parked in Boom Town). If I find them, I will let you know.

And lastly, my rubbish Nandos joke. For those who dont know, nandos is a mexican reatuarant chain......

Jose was the manager of a Nando's restaurant. He decided that every tuesday and thursday he wanted to have live music to entertain his clientelle. So he set about hiring some musicians to run an open mic night. With this, he also needed equipment and called his local musical intruments emporium and ordered two guitars and a drum kit. Seeing a perfect opportunity for an upsell, the shop manager convinced Jose that bespoke made instruments would be perfect for him as they would give his restaurant a sound like nobody else in town and pack him out on those dead mid week nights. Jose saw the genius in this plan and ordered.
A few days later, the workers at the musical instrument plant had made tow of the finest spanish guitars and a bongo drum. But as is practise in many industries (excpet maybe condoms .. jeez, i hope not with condoms .. urgh), they had to check they worked before sending them out. Dave picked up the first guitar and strummed .... a perfect chord rang through the air. He picked up the second guitar and strummed ... again a sound as sweet as a spoilt brat crying when they have fallen over and actually hurt themselves. Marvellous! he thought, my work this week has been exempliary and my boss will surely reward me. So just to make sure his standards were consistent, he hit the drum. Silence. This is impossible, thought Dave and hit it again twice as hard... still nothing. Perhaps, thought Dave, I have refined this to such a masterpiece that my ears cannot hear its fine sweet sound. So he called his workmate Ralph over. Ralph came over and Dave explained the problem. 'And what I need to know is ......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
made this up myself you know!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
oh shit, I've built it up too much and its just not going to be funny now
.
.
.
.
'Can you hear the drum for nandos?'

If you dont get it, say it aloud.

If you still dont get it, fuck off and dont come back. Freak.


ITS ABBA PEOPLE! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!

Le Geek, cest Chic

Now, I make no secret at all about my Geekiness when it comes to sci-fi. What would be the point, just five minutes in my company usually reveals these things: Screaming queen with no shame who is a total child who loves sci-fi.
So check THIS out. The original ending to the last episode of Doctor Who this season. Have the kleenex at the ready .. no, not like that.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F0qUmeRI7E
My apologies if the BBC have already got wind this has leaked and pulled it.

And have you seen the publicity shots of The Doctor and Martha? DT looking very hot in his new blue suit.

And please pity my poor chum Roo ... who has started as breakfast presenter in Swindon this week and to publicize the new show, her marketing people have plastered her mug over the back of all of their cars .... could be worse luvs, could be a bus!

Christ I've got wind today ... if you see me stand well back.

So what's with this airport madness? Any of you who know will know I keep well out of political and religious discussions as I have strong and firm opinions but don't wish to (a) Get into rows over them (b) Try and make anyone see my point of view. Its mine and I am not letting you have it so there. But really ..... I was raised in a very right wing white family. I was taught to be racist ... and during my life taught myself not to be. I went to two very mutli cultural schools and had good friends across my life of every colour and creed you can imagine. But frankly these extremists make it hard to keep my self taught judgment. Is the answer to divide the world up and make all muslims live in muslims countries, all christians in christian countries? Where does that leave me? A pagan. Technically, England or Wales ... so would all the christians get kicked out? So where would they go? Israel where it all started? Not working too well for them is it? Plus, when you visit Jerusalem .. and should it become safe to do so, I recommend it, fascinating city .... you can stand in one square and see the humble origins and holy places of three religions... so do they get a few bricks each?
But one thing I will not do is give in to these bastards. I will still get on planes, trains and go about my business. I'd die rather than suppress my freedom. And that is the strongest message we can send.

Lyrics to said song .... I'll do that much for you .....

FALL OUT BOY LYRICS
"Sugar We're Going Down"
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song(A notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song(Notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
Down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round (Take aim at myself)
And Sugar, we're going down swinging (Take back what you said)
I'll be your number one with a bullet (Take aim at myself)
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
We're going down, down (down, down)
Down, down (down, down)
We're going down, down (down, down)
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round (Take aim at myself)
And Sugar, we're going down swinging (Take back what you said)
I'll be your number one with a bullet (Take aim at myself)
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

Sugar we're going down swinging

Ever get a song in your head? Ever had it stay there for weeks? Until you had to have the song so maybe it would go away? Then you get it and cant stop listening to it and still that song echoes around inside your brain until you think it might actually go bang .. your head, not the song .. well in theory the song could, after all its a common enough sound effect really.

This is the problem I am haiving with Fall Out Boy's Sugar We're Going Down. Great song ... cant stop listening to it. Loved it when it was in the charts. But what started me off was a few months back ... probably early May ... and Fall Out Boy had performed an acoutsic version of the song in Radio 1's Live Lounge ... Chris Moyles then played it the following morning and I caught in the car on the way to work... (I know at this point you are falling off your chair saying 'but why do you listen to radio1, when you work for Wales largest commercial radio station?' I'll give you a hint... the answer is in the question) .. anyhoo, Chris and co were rather rude about that version of the song but I LOVED it. It was the frist time I had really caught the lyrics and it completely struck a chord within me. You ever get that? Something about the tune, composition, lyrics all come together and somehow that song was written about you, for you, in fact its amazing they managed to get a moment or feeling or memory of yours without having ever known you exist .. how did they do that????? Its one of those. Incidentally, Fall Out Boy have a wicked sense of hunour... check out the q&a on their website. What? You want a link? What did your last slave die of? Go do your own fucking research.

Now this song, just really hit me about somebody I really fell for many years ago. Over about 5 months we became quite an item ... each of us had other people in our lives but were willing to throw everything away to get together properly ... which was a bigger risk for him than me as he wasnt even out. The suddenly, after plans, promises and body fluids were exchanged ... he chucked me for a model 10 years younger. It took me a long time to recover and was the first in a very painful events for me ..... and about 7 years of darkness in my soul. Ooh, maybe I broke a mirror?

So anyway, thats the song in my head. What are you humming today?

Sit right back and I'll tell you a tale.....

So, i thought it night anuse you to hear some of my stories.....
These gems come from 1995 and my troubles with an ex fella of mine called Tony.

It all started because I went home with the barman the night I decided to dump my useless alcoholic idiot boyfriend. Tony was passed out on the stage and the pub was clearing. John saw me trying to wake Tony and he was literally unconscious. John just said to me 'Why are you even with him? Come back with me instead' Cut to me looking at Aussie John (5'9, built like the proverbial brick loo, tanned, blue eyes), looking back at Tony (out for the count, drooling, skinny pigeon chested alcoholic chain smoker), I shrugged said ok and spent the next 6 hours making the two backed beast

after a swift walk of shame in the morning back to my mums (where I was living at that time having moved back in to make college affordable) where I have just crawled into bad to get some sleep when Tony calls....
'Oi Robinson, where the fuck are you?'
'Erm ... at home, that's why I am here when you rang'
'Well get down here I expected to wake up with you this morning'
'Yeah, we split last night though, so you wont be waking up with me anymore'
'No we didn't
'Yes Tony, we did. I told you it was over and went home with Aussie John'
don't be stupid and do as you are told. We are going out for lunch with my mum'
'You might be. I am not'
'Honestly boy. Just do as you're told and get down here'
'We finished. Its over. Bye'
'Aussie John? No, he wouldn't take you home. You aren't his type. Nice try but you are a crap liar'
'Yes but I'm not lying, call the pub ask ask Shirley'

and I hung up .... ten minutes later I got another call bleating on about how dare I cheat on him with ausie john in the three months we had been together, he had cheated on me at least twice by picking up guys on nights I was at college, and (b) since I told him he was dumped before I left the pub, it wasn't cheating s I was a free agent again. Its not my fault he was too unconscious to listen. ... and that's when the stalking began.

The highlight of which was this:
had been out in Luton for the night for a few sherbets' and was getting the last bus back to Hitchin as I hadn't pulled.... next thing I know he has followed me out the pub to the bus stop. I told him that this was the last bus to Hitchin and by the time it got there, there was no bus back to Luton. He mumbled drunkenly about Chris and somebody who he knew and how he was going to their house as they had a swimming pool. I thought whatever and got on the bus before it left.

We arrive in Hitchin about 35 mins later and I get off at my stop .. as does he. I had ignored him flat all the way even though he had tried to spark up conversations. I turned to face him and said that he could follow me all he liked but he was NOT coming in the house.... so he followed me to my house.

After about 10 minutes banging and crashing and fighting at my front door, I let him in just so my poor old neighbour Olive could get some peace as she was 120 if she was a day. (interestingly, her grandson worked for Henson's ... I recall her showing me some of his latest photos of what he was working on just before I moved out ... odd looking alien thing ... or Pilot as Farscape fans know him as ...I should have stayed in touch!)

So I put Tony in the spare room and went to bed.

Within seconds he was banging on my locked door. Again, to save the sleeping masses (namely Russ in his room and Davyd on the sofa downstairs) I entered into a conversation with Tony .. that soon descended to an all out argument, resulting in him insulting a member of my family.

Being the big butch thing that I am, I slapped him across the face. Proper full on bitch slap it was too. Him, genuinely being quite straight acting, punched me in the face. Me, getting butcher by the second ..screamed 'Russell! Tony hit me!' at which Russell appeared from his room to rescue me. He grabbed Tony by the collar and belt and threw him down our stairs. Now these stairs were very steep and had the front door at the foot of them. Russ, dived after him, picked him up and threw him out of the door, accidentally slamming the door on Tony's head as he fell back in .. kicked his head out the way and closed the door.

At this point, Davyd tousled head appeared out of the living room, wrapped in a duvet. The three of us retired to me room with me saying things like 'you killed Tony' and 'more vodka please Dave'. Giggling away at the drama, we heard an almighty smash downstairs. After sending Russ to investigate, we discovered that Tony had put a brick through our kitchen window. It was time to call the police.

Now, we wanted the cops to take us seriously so decided not to reveal that he was just some idiot ex of mine but a mate. So that meant butching it up big time ... which was never easy for myself and davyd together, let alone after the booze. So the fuzz arrived and took statements and I was all'yeah mate' and just out for a few jars weren't I guvnor' and stuff. But they had to catch Tony first, so off they trotted and left one guy with us .. just in case.

And then I got tired and bored. It was close to 3.00am at this point and I needed to do something. I had worked my way through a good 11 or 12 voddies at the pub, had a few more top calm my nerves and was now having sly ones on the side when the copper wasn't looking. Then it hit us! Davyd and I were performing arts students, were we not? We had just been in West Side Story together playing butch American gang members, no? So lets put on a show for the nice policeman who was waiting to hear if he could leave with our statements!!! So what did we do? The Jet Song? A bit of the rumble? Even I Feel Pretty might have been better than what we did - which was tie coats around our waists like skirts and mimed to America, doing impressions of Melissa and Anna who had lead the song in the show. I have never quite seen that expression on anyone's face ever again as that poor policeman that night.

Work That Body

So I joined a gym again. I missed it since I moved away from Luton, where I had a few mates and went pretty much daily ... even if some days were just a splash about and a steam.

The lovely Andrew took me through my physical on Friday night and showed me the machines .. and that my own scales lie. I dont understand why they do it. I keep them in a nice bathroom, with lots of room and light. I dont let the cat in there to wee on them? So why do they tell me I fluctuate from 12 stone 10, to 13 stone 1, when I actually weigh 13 5. Is there a need for that kind of behaviour?

Anyway, last night was the first night of the program Andrew has given me for the next three months.
Warm up - 5 mins on an exercise bike
10 mins on a stepper
15 mins on a treadmill
15 mins on a cross trainer
10 mins on a rowing machine
3x20 sit ups facing forwards
3x20 sit ups facing left
3x20 sit ups facing right
5 min cool down swimming

I did all of that .... and dont feel too bad today, so expect to actually die tonight in my sleep after a second consecutive night on the program. Oddly I can feel two little solid bits just below my man boobs. Its either the start of some muscles or a hernia.

Poor Smeagol had to go to the vets this week too. He has had dodgy ears for a short while now and it seemed to be getting worse. She cleaned several candles worth of nasty looking wax out of his ears and has given me some drops ... and a conical collar so he cant scratch them. He then spent 36 hours lolling about howling in pain, walking into walls and generally being very unhappy. So this morning I gave in and thought that its no good him dying of miserableness, especially after I just forked out 12 quid on a new product to spray on the floor to stop him pissing by the front door, and I took the collar off ... he only had it because the constant scratching and shaking has caused his actual ears (like the pointy bits, not the gaps that do the hearing) to swell up with liquid like huge blisters. Its horrid to touch, but somehow you cant not keep touching them..... anyhoo, the collar was to stop that getting worse and one of them has actually gotten way worse since the collar went on, so I am seeing if taking it off helps.... we are back at the vets next Tuesday........

Utterly random

I am waiting to go lunch as my car is being professionally cleaned by two very cute grease monkeys..... so you're getting this:

Cher is auctioning the contents of her home. I want some.

I have my Dancing Queen Madonna tour tee shirt on today.

I am hungry

I spent over three hours on the phone last night on calls to Roo, Maria and Rich H. The latter being highly amusing as I was actually having a very frank chat about penis size and the pros and cons during anal sex with Rich while Dan was talking to our financial advisor in the next room. It made life .. interesting.

Automated Big Brother rules. I hope Mikey gets the boot on friday. He is of no use to the planet, let alone the show. I keep forgetting he is there and even when he does pipe up he just annoys me.

V for Vendetta arrived on dvd.

I won Madonna's sex book on eBay .... and bought my first Christmas present at the same time.

Sarah Jane is getting her own Doctor Who spin off - yay! Its aimed at CBBC market - boo!

I am being taken to the BBC studios next month to see the set of Who and Torchwood.

Hello to Pete, Roo's mate who apparently reads my blog.

I have run out of stuff to say.