Sit right back and I'll tell you a tale.....

So, i thought it night anuse you to hear some of my stories.....
These gems come from 1995 and my troubles with an ex fella of mine called Tony.

It all started because I went home with the barman the night I decided to dump my useless alcoholic idiot boyfriend. Tony was passed out on the stage and the pub was clearing. John saw me trying to wake Tony and he was literally unconscious. John just said to me 'Why are you even with him? Come back with me instead' Cut to me looking at Aussie John (5'9, built like the proverbial brick loo, tanned, blue eyes), looking back at Tony (out for the count, drooling, skinny pigeon chested alcoholic chain smoker), I shrugged said ok and spent the next 6 hours making the two backed beast

after a swift walk of shame in the morning back to my mums (where I was living at that time having moved back in to make college affordable) where I have just crawled into bad to get some sleep when Tony calls....
'Oi Robinson, where the fuck are you?'
'Erm ... at home, that's why I am here when you rang'
'Well get down here I expected to wake up with you this morning'
'Yeah, we split last night though, so you wont be waking up with me anymore'
'No we didn't
'Yes Tony, we did. I told you it was over and went home with Aussie John'
don't be stupid and do as you are told. We are going out for lunch with my mum'
'You might be. I am not'
'Honestly boy. Just do as you're told and get down here'
'We finished. Its over. Bye'
'Aussie John? No, he wouldn't take you home. You aren't his type. Nice try but you are a crap liar'
'Yes but I'm not lying, call the pub ask ask Shirley'

and I hung up .... ten minutes later I got another call bleating on about how dare I cheat on him with ausie john in the three months we had been together, he had cheated on me at least twice by picking up guys on nights I was at college, and (b) since I told him he was dumped before I left the pub, it wasn't cheating s I was a free agent again. Its not my fault he was too unconscious to listen. ... and that's when the stalking began.

The highlight of which was this:
had been out in Luton for the night for a few sherbets' and was getting the last bus back to Hitchin as I hadn't pulled.... next thing I know he has followed me out the pub to the bus stop. I told him that this was the last bus to Hitchin and by the time it got there, there was no bus back to Luton. He mumbled drunkenly about Chris and somebody who he knew and how he was going to their house as they had a swimming pool. I thought whatever and got on the bus before it left.

We arrive in Hitchin about 35 mins later and I get off at my stop .. as does he. I had ignored him flat all the way even though he had tried to spark up conversations. I turned to face him and said that he could follow me all he liked but he was NOT coming in the house.... so he followed me to my house.

After about 10 minutes banging and crashing and fighting at my front door, I let him in just so my poor old neighbour Olive could get some peace as she was 120 if she was a day. (interestingly, her grandson worked for Henson's ... I recall her showing me some of his latest photos of what he was working on just before I moved out ... odd looking alien thing ... or Pilot as Farscape fans know him as ...I should have stayed in touch!)

So I put Tony in the spare room and went to bed.

Within seconds he was banging on my locked door. Again, to save the sleeping masses (namely Russ in his room and Davyd on the sofa downstairs) I entered into a conversation with Tony .. that soon descended to an all out argument, resulting in him insulting a member of my family.

Being the big butch thing that I am, I slapped him across the face. Proper full on bitch slap it was too. Him, genuinely being quite straight acting, punched me in the face. Me, getting butcher by the second ..screamed 'Russell! Tony hit me!' at which Russell appeared from his room to rescue me. He grabbed Tony by the collar and belt and threw him down our stairs. Now these stairs were very steep and had the front door at the foot of them. Russ, dived after him, picked him up and threw him out of the door, accidentally slamming the door on Tony's head as he fell back in .. kicked his head out the way and closed the door.

At this point, Davyd tousled head appeared out of the living room, wrapped in a duvet. The three of us retired to me room with me saying things like 'you killed Tony' and 'more vodka please Dave'. Giggling away at the drama, we heard an almighty smash downstairs. After sending Russ to investigate, we discovered that Tony had put a brick through our kitchen window. It was time to call the police.

Now, we wanted the cops to take us seriously so decided not to reveal that he was just some idiot ex of mine but a mate. So that meant butching it up big time ... which was never easy for myself and davyd together, let alone after the booze. So the fuzz arrived and took statements and I was all'yeah mate' and just out for a few jars weren't I guvnor' and stuff. But they had to catch Tony first, so off they trotted and left one guy with us .. just in case.

And then I got tired and bored. It was close to 3.00am at this point and I needed to do something. I had worked my way through a good 11 or 12 voddies at the pub, had a few more top calm my nerves and was now having sly ones on the side when the copper wasn't looking. Then it hit us! Davyd and I were performing arts students, were we not? We had just been in West Side Story together playing butch American gang members, no? So lets put on a show for the nice policeman who was waiting to hear if he could leave with our statements!!! So what did we do? The Jet Song? A bit of the rumble? Even I Feel Pretty might have been better than what we did - which was tie coats around our waists like skirts and mimed to America, doing impressions of Melissa and Anna who had lead the song in the show. I have never quite seen that expression on anyone's face ever again as that poor policeman that night.