10,000 BC
Just don't go and see it. Its two hours you'll never get back and your life will be ten years shorter.
If only somebody had said that to me before I went in to the flicks last night.
Effects: hit and miss. Script: possibly didn't exist but entire film was based on an improvisation made by some year 4 kids as part of a project.
I am no historian but I am sure this is massively factually inaccurate too.
The story such as it is: tribe live on top of snowy mountain. They have a wise old woman who is great for mild comedy relief .. what? She is supposed to be the drama? Oh. Well, anyway, she prophesies the coming of some four legged demons (blokes on horses) and a blue eyed girl who will bring salvation to the people or some such nonsense. Blue eyed girl comes, grows up, gets kidnapped by ugly blokes on horses so tribe set off to rescue her. Possibly because they are bored of snow cones to eat. Along the way, on a great journey (we know its a long journey as we go from mountains to jungle to desert) many join the quest with spears and relevant face armour. You have to love the wearing-bamboo-on-their-faces tribe who look so ridiculous I disturbed the rest of the audience, who had nodded off, with my raucous laughter. Some bollocks about a stat later and we are watching Mastodons help build the pyramids. Which started out as the great Pyramids of Giza and then became another set entirely from what I could gather. The Almighty is over seeing all of this, aided by a bunch of panto dames with long nails. Of course, the hero prevails, and The Almighty is revealed to be .. gasp! ... a white man! Suddenly, I see where it had been going all along. Its an American film made by a German bloke apologising for white mans treatment of native peoples around the world. Which is a fair point, but has been done so many times before so much better.
Oh, and one of them is called Tick Tick. Really. And the hero saves a drowning Sabre Tooth ... which remembers him and decides not to eat him - twice. Because that would happen.
If you find yourself considering this film, sit at home and remove all your toenails with a garden spade instead, its less painful.
If only somebody had said that to me before I went in to the flicks last night.
Effects: hit and miss. Script: possibly didn't exist but entire film was based on an improvisation made by some year 4 kids as part of a project.
I am no historian but I am sure this is massively factually inaccurate too.
The story such as it is: tribe live on top of snowy mountain. They have a wise old woman who is great for mild comedy relief .. what? She is supposed to be the drama? Oh. Well, anyway, she prophesies the coming of some four legged demons (blokes on horses) and a blue eyed girl who will bring salvation to the people or some such nonsense. Blue eyed girl comes, grows up, gets kidnapped by ugly blokes on horses so tribe set off to rescue her. Possibly because they are bored of snow cones to eat. Along the way, on a great journey (we know its a long journey as we go from mountains to jungle to desert) many join the quest with spears and relevant face armour. You have to love the wearing-bamboo-on-their-faces tribe who look so ridiculous I disturbed the rest of the audience, who had nodded off, with my raucous laughter. Some bollocks about a stat later and we are watching Mastodons help build the pyramids. Which started out as the great Pyramids of Giza and then became another set entirely from what I could gather. The Almighty is over seeing all of this, aided by a bunch of panto dames with long nails. Of course, the hero prevails, and The Almighty is revealed to be .. gasp! ... a white man! Suddenly, I see where it had been going all along. Its an American film made by a German bloke apologising for white mans treatment of native peoples around the world. Which is a fair point, but has been done so many times before so much better.
Oh, and one of them is called Tick Tick. Really. And the hero saves a drowning Sabre Tooth ... which remembers him and decides not to eat him - twice. Because that would happen.
If you find yourself considering this film, sit at home and remove all your toenails with a garden spade instead, its less painful.
Labels: Reviews
posted by Peter Pan @ 9:01 am
3 Comments:
At 11:57 am,
Rob Windstrel Watson said…
'remove all your toenails with a garden spade instead, its less painful'
Nice line - it made me laugh!
Sometimes I get all stressy about writing stuff that is original when obviously everything that is going to be written has been written and probably better than I can write it and even with more sentences and better punctuation.
But, when I get an idea, I know it will bug me until I give in and set fingers to laptop keys.
Never mind eh!
Nice blog. I'll be back :-)
At 8:48 am,
Peter Pan said…
Why thank you, welcome aboard!
At 2:10 am,
Nabu San said…
Miaow, dude!
Post a Comment
<< Home