A Christmas Tale

I thought I woudl share a story of Christmas past with you ... via a series of letters I had to send to a previous lover.....


Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 26
Dear love:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest Love and Devotion
Paul
********

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 27
My sweet man:
Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them or Smeagol is sure to eat them though.
With deepest Love,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 28
Darling:
Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.
Love,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 29
Pumpkin:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more, not to mention the cat....so please, no more birds!! But, thanks.
Affectionately,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 30
Sweetheart:
What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!! All my love,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
December 31
Hey you:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poo that they were laying.. complete with a large count of coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining. The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the new years eve celebration tonight so that shoudl keep the fucktard students next door in their place.
Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!!
Cordially,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
January 1
You there:
Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy for me. What's with you and those dumb birds? Are you hanging out with Bill Oddie or what? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. You have gone too far, bird brain. STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS OR I WILL FEED THEM TO THE CAT!! GOT IT?
Sincerely,
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
January 2
OK, Sarcasmo:
I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow shit? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS".
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
January 3
Hey, bollock chops:
What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You have never heard such creative uses for the C word. You'll get yours, buddy.
Paul
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
January 4
Right, fuck face:
What's with the ten lords a-leaping? And believe me, a bigger bunch of ‘lords’ I never did see – and I drink in Shirley’s Temple. I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhoea. My living room is a sewer! The Council have subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.
I'm filing a complaint to the police about you!
One who means it.
*****

Paul Robinson
Russell Rise
Luton
Beds
January 5
Listen, you cock juggling thunder cunt:
Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. If I had a decent video camera I could turn my living room into a porn studio. At least I'd make some money off this shit. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neighbourhood. And this is a student area!
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vile swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Paul
*****
Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
1313 George St
Luton
Beds
January 6

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Mr Paul Robinson. The damage, of course, was total. He was found beating his head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Mr Robinson at the Farringdon Wing for the insane of the Luton & Dunstable Hospital, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Firm of
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder


With thanks to Russ for the original gag.